I hope this article finds you in a mesmerizing holiday haze of holly jolly hearth and home, because here’s the deal with the winter festivities:
They were a tough row to hoe in the Before Times and are even more so in these Quacky Quarantimes.
There’s shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, decorating, entertaining, eating, imbibing, friends you never see, family you’ve never liked, and a gimlet-eyed elf monitoring every minute and reporting every move to a schizoid list-making demi-god living on the frozen nipple of the globe with battalions of undying eldritch-gnomes and bionic beast-deer.
And now, we have to endure all of that helliday horror plus all of the Ex-Spurts ululating about the next Covaids scariant for us to be afraid of and all of the other pandemonium that comes with being born at the end of the F*ck Around century and living through the times of Finding Out.
So maybe this year we can cut each other (and ourselves) some slack and . . . wait for it . . . let it gooooooo. Because we’re all having a time of it. Except for billionaires. They’re just somehow richer.
Maybe, then, we can stop argufying about Covid-1984, Hunter’s dad, and the Great Awokening and instead simply get good and sick on eggnog and rib roast and candy, cookies, and sugar-fried reindeer meat?
Maybe . . . just for a fortnight . . . we can squash all of the suckbaggery and just have a Merry Christmas/Whatever-You-Celebrate? Maybe just for gits and shiggles?
And speaking of cookies, mon frère, here’s a ripping recipe for getting some psycho-delicious treats inside your facemeat.
Also, in case you’re not much of a baker-person:
Weigh the flour.
Use good chocolate.
Use good brown sugar. And the real game is swapping the brown sugar in the recipe for a 1/2 cup of muscovado brown sugar.
Don’t devour the cookies the instant they exit the oven.
Now, as for me and my daring band of Legion bushwhackers, here’s a foretaste of our plans for making you feel like the cat that ate the canary in 2022:
New products to instabuy, including probiotics, protein bars, protein cookies, single-serving “tonics” (more details soon), and more.
New flavors of existing products to take a flier on, including strawberry margarita, blood orange, and mojito Pulse; honey cereal, coconut cream, and pumpkin pie Whey+; grape and strawberry kiwi Recharge; and more.
New loyalty perks to rub all over yourself, including more Subscribe & Save blessings, Rewards Program bennies, exclusive deals and discounts, and more.
New sales channels and international shipping options to better separate you from your coinage (especially if you’re of the British and European persuasion).
And that’s just a quick squirt of the love puddle, of course—more updates will follow.
Oh and because this can’t be said enough:
Bless your slippery snidbits for your support.
Really.
You’re my angel farts and chocolate coins, and you have my undying love. And my willingness to kill in your name.
So, with that, let’s get back to enjoying Michael Buble before he’s put back in his cage until next year, shall we?
*pirouettes*
*disappears*
P.S. More than a few people have said they want to get me a gift for the holidays, which is a sweet gesture . . . unless it’s a mail-bomb of anthrax—no, the thought doesn’t count . . . and to that I say:
If you want to get me something, then maybe buy a copy or five of my new book Muscle for Life? Or leave a review for one of my other books wherever you buy books online?
We authors love to sell books. And get reviews. In fact, the very existence of this email is because of many kind people doing both of those things, so either of them would really get my pleasure pistons firing this Christmas.
Legion Featured Author
Mike Matthews
Mike Matthews is the founder of Legion as well as the author of several award-winning fitness books, including Bigger Leaner Stronger, Muscle for Life, and The Shredded Chef.
His simple and science-based approach to building muscle, losing fat, and getting healthy has sold over a million books and helped thousands of people build their best bodies ever, and his work has been featured in many popular outlets including Esquire, Men’s Health, Elle, Women’s Health, Muscle & Strength, and more, as well as on FOX and ABC.
If you don’t like something of ours, guess what happens next?
No, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon. Nor do we ask you to fill a cursed inkwell with orc’s blood and demon saliva and then use it to complete reams of return forms written in ancient Cyrillic script.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. Holy moo cows. And that means you can say "yes" now and decide later.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you live in the United States, your order ships free regardless of order size, if you live in the UK or Canada, your order ships free when it’s over $99, and if you live elsewhere, your order ships free when it’s over $199.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you live in the UK or Canada, your order ships free when it’s over $99.
Why the restriction on international orders? Unfortunately, shipping abroad is very expensive, and if we didn’t require a minimum order size, we’d lose a lot of money. But! We're also hustling to improve our international logistics and will be passing our savings along to our international customers.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you’re outside the USA, your order ships free when it’s over $199.
Why the restriction on international orders? Unfortunately, shipping abroad is very expensive, and if we didn’t require a minimum order size, we’d lose a lot of money. But! We're also hustling to improve our international logistics and will be passing our savings along to our international customers.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Clinically Effective Ingredients & Doses
Many ingredients in supplements don’t have any scientifically validated benefits, and many ingredients that do are often underdosed to the point of irrelevance.
That’s why we only use the choice ingredients and precise doses shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
Clinically Effective Doses
You need more than great ingredients to make great products—you also need proper doses. That’s why we use the precise doses of ingredients shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
Natural Ingredients
“Natural” doesn’t always mean “better,” but in many cases, natural ingredients are superior to artificial ones for various reasons, including purity, safety, and efficacy.
That’s why all of our ingredients in all of our products come from plant and animal sources, including sweeteners, colors, and flavors.
Made in USA with Globally Sourced Ingredients
If you want to ensure the supplements you’re swallowing every day are safe and effective, you want products produced in the USA.
That’s why all of our supplements are made in America in NSF-certified and FDA-inspected facilities that operate in accordance with the Current Good Manufacturing Practice (cGMP) regulations.
Lab Tested
Did you know that supplements can contain dangerously high levels of toxins like lead, arsenic, and cadmium?
That’s why we test every ingredient of every supplement we produce for heavy metals, microbes, allergens, and other contaminants and ensure they meet the strict purity standards set by the FDA.
Naturally Sweetened & Flavored
While artificial sweeteners may not be as dangerous as some people claim, studies suggest that regular consumption of these chemicals may indeed be harmful to our health.
That’s why all of our supplements are naturally sweetened and flavored and contain no artificial food dyes, fillers, or other unnecessary junk.
Science-Backed Ingredients
Many ingredients in supplements don’t have any scientifically validated benefits. That’s why we only use choice ingredients shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
No Chemical Junk
“Natural” doesn’t always mean “better,” but in many cases, natural ingredients are superior to artificial ones for various reasons, including purity, safety, and efficacy.
That’s why all of our ingredients in all of our products come from plant and animal sources, including sweeteners, colors, and flavors.
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Waiver and Release of Liability
In consideration of the services and/or products offered by Legion Athletics, Inc. (“Legion”) including, but not limited to, nutrition plans, exercise routines and coaching, and in addition to the payment of any fee or charge:
I knowingly and voluntarily enter into this waiver and release of liability and hereby waive any and all rights, claims or causes of action of any kind whatsoever arising out of my use of Legion’s services and/or products, and I hereby release and hold harmless Legion and its consultants, officers, contractors, agents, owners and employees from any and all responsibility, liability, cost and expenses, including for injuries, damages or disorders (physical, metabolic, or otherwise), resulting from my use of Legion’s services and/or products.
I understand that fitness activities including, but not limited to, strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular exercise, with or without the use of equipment, are potentially hazardous activities that involve a risk of injury and even death, and I am voluntarily participating in these activities and using equipment and machinery with knowledge of the risks involved. I hereby agree to assume and accept any and all risks of injury or death related to said fitness activities.
I understand Legion’s services and products are not meant to treat or manage any health conditions or circumstances, and I acknowledge that Legion has recommended I obtain a healthcare provider’s approval for my use of Legion’s services and/or products, through regular physical examination(s) and/or consultation. I acknowledge that I have obtained my healthcare provider’s approval or have decided to use Legion’s services and/or products without such approval and hereby assume all responsibility for my use of said services and/or products.
I understand that results from using Legion’s products and/or services are not guaranteed, and I agree to not hold Legion liable for any outcomes or lack thereof.
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This is the content
Some popular pre-workouts are all-natural. Some contain the right mix of high-quality ingredients. Some provide clinically effective doses. But only Pulse checks each of these boxes.
Pulse doesn’t just “contain natural ingredients''—every ingredient is naturally sourced from plants and animals. Pulse contains no artificial or synthetic substances of any kind.
Every serving of Pulse contains 15.1 grams of active ingredients that have been shown to be safe and effective in peer-reviewed scientific research.
Every active ingredient in Pulse is backed by published scientific studies that show benefits in healthy humans.
Pulse contains no harsh stimulants that wind you up and burn you out. Instead, it contains a 1:1 ratio of caffeine and L-theanine, which produces a smooth energy rush and comfortable comedown.
We carefully examined 508 pages of scientific research to find out exactly what should and shouldn’t be in a pre-workout supplement.
Every bottle of Pulse is guaranteed to provide exactly what the label claims and nothing else—no heavy metals, microbes, allergens, or other contaminants.
While these types of chemicals may not be as dangerous as some people claim, studies suggest that regular consumption of them may indeed be harmful to our health. And that’s why we don’t put any of them into our products.
Before you buy a sports supplement, you should know that it's clean, safe, and transparent. And that's exactly what Labdoor's third-party testing and certification means.
It's hard to know for sure, but this probably makes Pulse the most-popular all-natural pre-workout supplement in the world.
If you don’t absolutely love this product, just let us know, and we’ll give you a full refund on the spot. No forms or return necessary.
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Analyzed for purity and potency in a state-of-the-art ISO 17025 accredited lab by Labdoor™, the gold standard of third-party lab testing.
Analyzed for purity and potency in a state-of-the-art ISO 17025 accredited lab, the gold standard of third-party lab testing.
This product doesn’t just “contain natural ingredients”—every ingredient is naturally sourced from plants and animals. This product contains no artificial or synthetic sweeteners or flavors of any kind.
Our scientific review board of nutritionists, dietitians, molecular biologists, doctors, and other accredited experts is responsible for reviewing every article, podcast, and video we produce to ensure they’re evidence based, accurate, trustworthy, and current.
Thanks to their connections, credentials, and academic experience, this team of MDs, PhDs, and other professionals has access to a wealth of research published in the largest and most prestigious journals in the world.
This allows them to not only review individual studies but also analyze the overall weight of the evidence on any and all topics related to diet, exercise, supplementation, and more.
If you feel that any of our content is inaccurate, misleading, out-of-date, or anything less than factual, please let us know in the comments section of the article in question.
Evidence Based
We follow a detailed, rigorous, multi-step process to create content that meets the highest standards of clarity, practicality, and scientific integrity.
First, our research associates provide our editorial team with accurate, up-to-date, proven scientific evidence.
Then, our editorial team uses this research to draft articles and outlines for podcasts and videos.
Finally, our scientific review board reviews the content to ensure all key information and claims are backed by high-quality scientific research and explained simply and precisely.
If you feel that any of our content is inaccurate, misleading, out-of-date, or anything less than factual, please let us know in the comments section of the article in question.
