Work out for long enough and you develop a love-hate relationship with the gym. And with humanity in general. Here are 5 examples of why.

 

Nobody wakes up and thinks, “What a glorious day. I sure hope I run into a minefield of moronic douchebags at the gym today!”

But that’s precisely what’s waiting for you.

The road to the squat rack is long and lined the entire way with annoying assholes.

In fact, it’s kinda like this…

Let’s face it–we’re all kinda stupid in our own ways but the gym is home (almost-kinda-literally) to people that are a special type of stupid.

They look like idiots and talk like idiots…but they’re not putting on a special show for you.

They really are idiots.

And if you hang around them long enough and listen patiently…you’re bound to hear some really stupid shit squirt out of their mouths.

The wheels are somehow still spinning but the hamsters are clearly dead.

Well, in this article, we’re going to pay tribute to some of their smelliest mouth diarrhea.

So grab some popcorn, or a Skinny Gerbil Tea or whatever, and let’s share some laughs at other people’s expense…

“He might be bigger, leaner, and stronger than me but I bet I could outrun/out-sport/out-masturbate him…”

workout humor

This type of sniveling is common among skinny fat Crossfitters and Paleo drones.

Sure, cock waffle, maybe you can beat me in rock, paper, scissors or run faster to the tree.

But that’s not the point.

I’m sorry your slavish devotion to nonsensical WODs and low-carb buggery has given you the physique of a post-menopausal woman.

Don’t take it out on me though, weenie.

To be fair, I understand why so many guys and gals are frustrated with their lack of progress in the gym. I’ve walked many miles in those shoes and it sucks.

There’s just a staggering amount of bad advice out there on how to eat and train and far too many bullshit “gurus.”

That’s why I do my best to…

Keep things simple.

Getting fit is like any activity in that it’s an understanding and application of the fundamentals of diet and training that delivers the majority of the results.

The Pareto principle fully applies.

If your goal is to become a competitive bodybuilder, sure, there’s a lot you’re going to have to learn.

But if your goal is to have a lean, muscular, healthy body that looks and feels good, you can find everything you need to know in this one book.

Stick to the science.

The fitness space is riddled with gymlore and broscience, and all kinds of myths and fallacies are kept alive by word of mouth.

For example, do any of these claims sound familiar?

Chances are you’ve heard these things repeated ad nauseam by fitness magazines, bloggers, gym buddies, trainers, and just about anyone else that cares enough about fitness to discuss it.

Well, they’re all false.

How do I know that? Because I’ve got the inside scoop on revolutionary fat-burning and muscle-building secrets?

Hardly.

First and foremost, I know they’re false because I’ve reviewed (and cite) the scientific research that categorically disproves them.

Furthermore, I’ve found that my own experiences–both with my body and with the thousands of people I’ve helped–are in line with the research.

When I want to know more about some aspect of health or fitness, I always turn to the scientific literature first, and in my opinion, you should only listen to people that do the same.

Yes, it’s time consuming and sometimes frustrating to find what I need, but it’s the only way to be truly objective about this game and know what we do and don’t understand, and what we can and can’t be certain about.

Be as helpful as possible.

One of the first things that really struck me about the health and fitness space is how little fucks the “big guys” give about their fans and followers.

Oh sure, they’ll say how much they care and love everyone, but ask them to do something for you that’s even remotely inconvenient like, oh, answer an email, and the truth comes out.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard from people that reached out to Mr. So-and-So with a very simple question only to be told to, basically, shut up and buy something.

Really, you little queef?

Charles Darwin made time every night to respond–by hand, mind you–to letters from his readers and admirers but you can’t pause YouPorn for one minute to answer a simple question?

Every person that ever told you to be yourself couldn’t have given worse advice.

Anyway, when I hung my shingle in this space, I decided that I would do things differently.

I would prioritize one-on-one help and spend a healthy chunk of my day answering questions via email, social media (had to kill Facebook messenger though–it’s such a piece of shit), blog comments, and so forth.

And I’d do it…gasp…without asking for anything in return.

I figured that if people like me and what I have to say, it’s only natural that they’d eventually buy a book or supplement or what have you. Or not, and I’d be fine with that too.

Well, I’ve kept that promise and continue to despite “not having to” at this point. So, if YOU have any questions, reach out. I’m happy to help.

“…and he’s on steroids anyway.”

gym retard

Ah yes, the old “anyone that looks better than me is on steroids” fallback.

It makes me want to retort with…

“BRO ASK YOUR MOM IF I’M ON STEROIDS BRO…CUZ MY BALLS…ARE HUGE…BRO.”

gym funny humor

In all seriousness, I giggle when I’m accused of using steroids. Given my physique, if I were on drugs, it would be a complete waste of gear.

I look “good enough” but WHERE’S THE 3D BRO!?!? WHERE ARE THE BOULDER SHOULDERZ AND STRIATED GLUTEZ????

I do understand why so many people are quick to play the steroid card when judging other weightlifters, though.

The reality is Vitamin S is pretty popular these days, thanks in part to the rise of YouTube scrotums obsessed with being as mindlessly narcissistic–er, “aesthetic”–as possible.

Case in point:

….some day they may find themselves and they’re going to be really, really disappointed.

Anywho, the ironic thing about steroids is while they can dramatically improve your physique, many drug users actually look like shit.

They’re donkey punching their endocrine system to be fat, bloated, ruddy, and covered in cystic acne.

In fact, it’s rare to find juicers that not only know how to run cycles properly but also know how to eat and train as well. Those are the guys that look good.

Anyway, if you want some actual insights on how to spot steroid use, and why I don’t recommend it, check out this article.

“Deadlifting is bad for your back. Here come do biceps curls instead.”

gym humor meme

Pause that shitty Avicii song and stop curling in the squat rack for a second.

I have a serious question.

Do you pee with the seat down?

Come on now…don’t lie.

Deadlifts aren’t hurting your back–they’re hurting your vagina, aren’t they?

No? Not your vagina? Your actual back, you say?

Well then you’re doing them wrong because, when done properly, the deadlift is one of the most effective exercises you can do for keeping your back healthy and strong.

Yeah, it’s harder than shit. That’s the point.

In fact, if I could do only one exercise it my workouts it would be the deadlift. Nothing beats it for whole-body strength and muscle development.

Now, can you make the deadlift bad for your back, though?

Absolutely.

In fact, here’s a master class in how to get it at it, as demonstrated by a gaggle of “professional” Crossfitters:

Real talk though:

The deadlift isn’t inherently dangerous but it requires that you learn and respect proper form.

Cheat on your dumbbell curls and you just look like a wanker. Cheat on your deadlifts, though, and you can snap your shit.

“If you do the same workouts every week, your body will adapt and stop responding.”

gym meme humor

That’s like saying if you bang the same girl every week your penis will adapt and stop responding.

Or something.

The truth is this type of statement–and the “muscle confusion” blather that usually follows it–is partially correct.

If you go to the gym every week and do the exact same thing–the same exercises, weights, and reps–your body will eventually stop responding.

That’s because the most important part of building muscle and strength is progressive overload.

This refers to increasing the tension levels in the muscle fibers, and the most effective way to do this is to add weight to your lifts over time.

Quite simply, as a natural weightlifter, if you want to gain muscle as quickly as possible, you’re going to have to get stronger.

And the key to getting stronger is increasing workout volume (total reps) and/or intensity (weight load) over time…not programming your workouts like a toddler on bath salts.

That is, you’ll get a lot more out of your workouts if you and just focused on being getting really strong on a handful of lifts like the squat, deadlift, bench press, and overhead press and never touched another machine or Barbie-bell again.

“You’re on creatine? WTF I thought you were natty…”

gym idiots

Ugh.

Rolls eyes so hard that neck snaps and head falls into trash can.

If I throw a stick will you just go away?

Yeah bro, I used to think test, deca, and winny were good…but then I found creatine.

Look at my chest and biceps. Seriously. Feel them. Greek god game on point. Fuahhhhhhh.

And bro, when you stack that shit with whey protein

shredded gym bro

Creatine is a naturally occurring molecule comprised of two amino acids.

Most steroids are testosterone-like drug synthesized by mad scientists in black market labs.

How some people mix these up is beyond me. But hey…I guess it’s good they’re stringing sentences together now

Ironically, out of all the workout supplements you could possibly buy, creatine is one of the best.

It’s the most well-researched molecule in all of sports nutrition–the subject of hundreds of scientific studies–and its benefits are clear:

And the best part is it does all these things naturally and safely.

When it comes to improving body composition and workout performance, creatine is basically all pros and no cons.

So uh, if you like being muscular, strong, and “aesthetic,” start taking creatine:

creatine-supplement

best-creatine-product-review

(I heard Zyzz took like 50 grams per day. HE TAUGHT US HOW TO LIVE.)

“I’m going high-rep to really feel the burn and shred up.”

idiots at the gym

Iranian thumbs up, bro!

Let me break this down for you.

*gets out crayons*

You don’t have muscle definition because you’re fat. Or better yet, skinny fat.

*scribbles*

That’s you, taking selfies in the gym bathroom, looking like a bloated Minecraft character.

You’re fat because you’re lazy and you eat way too fucking much.

I know, a bit harsh but I don’t want to sugarcoat it lest you eat that too.

*doodles*

There’s you, childishly losing all self control at the sight of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. And then there’s you doing an “ab check” after. Yep, still fat.

Lifting weights can help you build muscle and burn energy, but it can’t burn fat in certain areas of your body.

*scrawls*

Look! You’re doing crunches, literally drooling on yourself as you fantasize about your next “cheat day.”

Ironically, not only will high-rep training not help you get “shredded” faster, lower-rep strength training will better serve your purposes.

Not only will it better help you preserve your muscle while you lose fat, research shows it can result in more total energy expenditure than training with lighter weights.

*scratches*

And there you are sacking up for once and doing a deadlift. So cute.

So…in summary…if you want more muscle definition you need to:

  1. Gain more muscle.
  2. Stop being fat.

That’s enough learning for today. Nap time.

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What are some of the dumbest things you’ve heard people say in the gym? Have anything else to share? Let me know in the comments below!