Working out at a gym is so much more than mere “me” time to improve our health and physiques.
It’s a social experience unlike any other, where we get to see ridiculous people doing even more ridiculous things.
The Gym Idiot is one of the best types of people the gym has to offer, capable of providing endless hours of cringe-worthy entertainment.
How does he work, exactly?
Well, let’s take a journey through his mind, and learn his code…
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Take excessively long breaks in between your sets, and make sure you’re occupying the bench/station the entire time.
Everyone knows that it requires 6+ minute breaks in between sets to make gainz, so make sure you apply this basic training principle.
Wannabe Gym Idiots use this time to zone out and stare at the ceiling, but a real Gym Idiot makes good use of this time. He performs the Rest Set, and it goes like this:
- Stare at yourself in the mirror for several seconds. Focus on flexing your chest and biceps, and talk to them. If you’ve named each bicep and pectoral muscle, I won’t hold it against you.
- Make up stories to your bros about how hard the fly honeys were mirin‘ at the club last weekend. They just can’t resist the shred.
- Switch to a new flex position so you can better see your biceps. Point out your peak to whoever is around you.
- After several minutes of the above, suddenly yell out a battle cry like “WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME” and begin your next set.
By executing proper Rest Sets, you not only maximize your protein photosynthesis, you assert your alpha status to everyone else in the gym.
They might sneer at you, but they know who runs this shit. They know.
Stack the plates and do assisted half-reps.
Betas love to use form as an excuse for why they put up weak ass lifts.
225 on bench but the bar touched your chest? Bitch please, not a single weight was even lifted that day.
It’s very simple…
If the bar ain’t bending, you’re just pretendin’. You establish gym dominance by stacking plates on plates on plates, and you announce your dominion by doing it as loudly as possible.
Fist-bumping your bros and flexing your chest and biceps helps as well.
Then, when it’s time to hit the weekly PR, all that really matters is you get the weight off the rack. Haven’t you ever heard of Dynamic Stabilization Overload Training?? Every elite powerlifter does it. Read a book.
Here’s an example of a shredded Gym Idiot doing it right, going for the PR, but being foiled by a moronic beta spotter:
Every day is chest day.
Just kidding. Gotta shred up the biceps and abs too.
Monday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Tuesday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Wednesday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Thursday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Friday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Saturday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
Sunday: Chest, Biceps, & Abs
This is the optimal way to train.
Everyone knows that HBBs are genetically programmed to have sex with guys that have shredded chests, biceps, and abs. No other muscle groups matter.
That’s not the only reason to train properly, though. You can’t forget the importance of stuntin‘ on the haters, and the bench press is the only lift that anyone actually cares about.
If a guy asks anything other than “how much do you bench?” it’s only because he’s intimidated by your massive chest and biceps and ashamed of his frail ass physique.
The proper answer to questions like “how much do you squat” or “how much do you deadlift” is simply “I bench 355 bro. Do you even lift?”
Here are two examples of the typical assholes that will ask about your squat and deadlift:
Use the word bro at least once in every sentence.
Here’s a snippet from an actual conversation I heard among Gym Idiots the other day:
“Bro, you know what I was thinking bro? I never see our teachers in here bro. Do they even lift?”
I wanted to run up to him yelling broooooo! and go for a high-five, but once I saw his chest and biceps, I quickly lost heart. I wasn’t worthy.
A real Gym Idiot uses bro at least once in every sentence for several reasons:
- It helps maintain your mental pump in between sets. Gotta keep that mind swole bro.
- It repels betas, ensuring that all of the benches remain free for your multi-station drop sets. Do you even advanced pyramid lift bro?
- The horny cardio bunnies love it. It’s the foundation of all good gym game.
Some people would say that obsessive, repetitive use of bro makes you sound like a moron but let’s face it:
- They’re jelly of the chest and biceps.
- Do they even lift?
Game, set, match. Bro.
Offer everyone advice on how to train and diet.
If you’re bigger than someone else, you have a duty to tell him how to train and diet.
By doing this, you not only help nerds make gains, but you uphold an ancient Gym Idiot tradition…
The ceremonial passing of the Torch of Broscience.
Generation after generation of Gym Idiots have passed their unfounded tips on how to get huge down to their bros, and thanks to them, we now know more about building our chests and biceps than ever before.
This cumulative wisdom comprises the Gospel of Gainz, and as a Gym Idiot, it gives you great power…but also great responsibility.
So when you see that skinny dude squatting, make sure he knows it will blow out his knees. Deadlifting? That’s a hernia waiting to happen. Going past parallel on the bench press? Goodnight, sweet rotator cuffs. Eating carbs after 3 PM? Bro not when you’re cutting.
Before we move on, my bro Dom has something to say about this:
Grunt, yell, and groan every rep.
Whether you like it or not, your grunt says a lot about who you are as a human being. It’s your callsign in the gym.
So make it loud, guttural, growl that says, “I’m about to lift enough weight to move Mount Brolympus.”
There’s more to grunting, though.
Science has proven that sound has force, and what happens when we increase force while lifting? That’s right–we hit a new PR on the bench.
Don’t, however, grunt on just any set. You need to reserve your grunts for your heavy sets of assisted half-reps.
These are the sets that everyone needs to see, and proper grunting makes it clear that some serious shit is going down.
