A time to transform hearth and home into a hellscape of landfill-bound fripperies.
A time to trade the quinoa salads and avocado ice cream for mom’s deep-fried mac ‘n cheese balls stuffed with pizza rolls stuffed with a molten core of sugar-soaked gummy worms.
And perhaps most importantly, a time to offer moonlit sacrifices of cured grinch hides and spiced elf organs to the dimension-hopping Antediluvian demi-god Santa Claus and his battalion of bionic beast-deer-creatures forged in the Third Epoch of Prehistory to do battle with the dead-eyed demon prince Krampus for command of the multiverse—
You know what? This is pretty irrelevant. Moving on.
What I really wanted to say was . . .
MERRY CHRITHMITH AND HAPPY HOLLANDAISE!
I hope you and yours are relishing many moments of joyous merriment and reveling in all of their pine-scented, butter-lubed, and tinsel-laden glory.
And what will next year bring?
Will the “I’m not a crook just an idiot” defense exonerate Scam Bankrun-Fraud and his owl-faced polyamorous collaborator?
Will the two weeks of transitory, safe and effective, and mostly peaceful inflation finally end?
Will we find ourselves spearing mutated acid hogs in the blasted ruins of Toad Suck, Arkansas?
Who can know?
At any rate, my merry band of mice and men . . . and women . . . have laid wondiferous plans for 2023 that’ll get you purring like a dog that ate a happy cat, including . . .
New and upgraded products to instabuy, including an energy drink, protein cookie, Pulse and Recharge improvements (new ingredients!), apparel, and more.
New flavors of existing products to take a flier on, including rainbow sherbert and pina colada Pulse; apple pie, coconut cream, and frosted cereal Whey+; sour candy and arctic blast Recharge; and more.
New sales channels and international shipping options to better separate you from your coinage, including Amazon UK, WalMart.com, and Target.com.
And that’s just the quick hose down, of course—many details to follow.
Oh and because this can’t be said enough:
Bless your cotton socks for your support.
Really.
If this were another era, I’d build a temple to your glory, tear out my eyes with a ceremonial spoon, become your oracle, prophesy the doom of all who oppose you, and sing hymns about your nascent godhood with my tongueless mouth.
But alas, this is the Current Year, and so, if it pleases Your Grace, I offer my eternal gratitude instead.
YES, ETERNAL 👏 GRATITUDE 👏
AS IN, MY SPECTRAL SERVICE ACROSS THE INFINITY OF SPACE AND TIME.
Like it, love it, rub it all over yourself.
Oh, and one more thing:
For the sake of Santa’s sacred nipples, don’t count calories on Christmas.
Feast. Drink. Hug your loved ones. Hakuna matata.
*moonwalks*
*disappears*
Mike
P.S. More than a few people have said they want to get me a gift for the holidays, which is a sweet gesture . . . unless it’s a box of Maricopa harvester ants . . . no, the thought doesn’t count . . . and to that I say:
If you want to get me something, then maybe buy a copy of one of my books? Or leave a review for one of them wherever you buy books online?
We authors love to sell books. And get reviews.
In fact, the only reason you’re receiving this email is because many kind people started doing both of those things ten years ago when I released the first edition of Bigger Leaner Stronger, so either of them would really tickle the reptilian pleasure centers of my brain this Christmas.
Legion Featured Author
Mike Matthews
Mike Matthews is the founder of Legion as well as the author of several award-winning fitness books, including Bigger Leaner Stronger, Muscle for Life, and The Shredded Chef.
His simple and science-based approach to building muscle, losing fat, and getting healthy has sold over a million books and helped thousands of people build their best bodies ever, and his work has been featured in many popular outlets including Esquire, Men’s Health, Elle, Women’s Health, Muscle & Strength, and more, as well as on FOX and ABC.
If you don’t like something of ours, guess what happens next?
No, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon. Nor do we ask you to fill a cursed inkwell with orc’s blood and demon saliva and then use it to complete reams of return forms written in ancient Cyrillic script.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. Holy moo cows. And that means you can say "yes" now and decide later.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you live in the United States, your order ships free regardless of order size, if you live in the UK or Canada, your order ships free when it’s over $99, and if you live elsewhere, your order ships free when it’s over $199.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you live in the UK or Canada, your order ships free when it’s over $99.
Why the restriction on international orders? Unfortunately, shipping abroad is very expensive, and if we didn’t require a minimum order size, we’d lose a lot of money. But! We're also hustling to improve our international logistics and will be passing our savings along to our international customers.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Free Worldwide Shipping & Returns
Many companies use shipping and handling fees to increase their profit margins, but here at Legion, we hate profits, so our shipping is free!
Okay, so we do dig on profits, but we also go in for happy customers, and free shipping works like gangbusters. So, if you’re outside the USA, your order ships free when it’s over $199.
Why the restriction on international orders? Unfortunately, shipping abroad is very expensive, and if we didn’t require a minimum order size, we’d lose a lot of money. But! We're also hustling to improve our international logistics and will be passing our savings along to our international customers.
Also, if you don’t absolutely love our stuff for whatever reason, we don’t request you deliver it to a PO box in the Gobi Desert by carrier pigeon.
We just . . . wait for it . . . give you your money back. No returns. No forms. No nonsense. Holy moo cows.
That means you can say “yes” now and decide later. You really have nothing to lose.
Clinically Effective Ingredients & Doses
Many ingredients in supplements don’t have any scientifically validated benefits, and many ingredients that do are often underdosed to the point of irrelevance.
That’s why we only use the choice ingredients and precise doses shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
Clinically Effective Doses
You need more than great ingredients to make great products—you also need proper doses. That’s why we use the precise doses of ingredients shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
Natural Ingredients
“Natural” doesn’t always mean “better,” but in many cases, natural ingredients are superior to artificial ones for various reasons, including purity, safety, and efficacy.
That’s why all of our ingredients in all of our products come from plant and animal sources, including sweeteners, colors, and flavors.
Made in USA with Globally Sourced Ingredients
If you want to ensure the supplements you’re swallowing every day are safe and effective, you want products produced in the USA.
That’s why all of our supplements are made in America in NSF-certified and FDA-inspected facilities that operate in accordance with the Current Good Manufacturing Practice (cGMP) regulations.
Lab Tested
Did you know that supplements can contain dangerously high levels of toxins like lead, arsenic, and cadmium?
That’s why we test every ingredient of every supplement we produce for heavy metals, microbes, allergens, and other contaminants and ensure they meet the strict purity standards set by the FDA.
Naturally Sweetened & Flavored
While artificial sweeteners may not be as dangerous as some people claim, studies suggest that regular consumption of these chemicals may indeed be harmful to our health.
That’s why all of our supplements are naturally sweetened and flavored and contain no artificial food dyes, fillers, or other unnecessary junk.
Science-Backed Ingredients
Many ingredients in supplements don’t have any scientifically validated benefits. That’s why we only use choice ingredients shown to be effective in peer-reviewed scientific studies.
No Chemical Junk
“Natural” doesn’t always mean “better,” but in many cases, natural ingredients are superior to artificial ones for various reasons, including purity, safety, and efficacy.
That’s why all of our ingredients in all of our products come from plant and animal sources, including sweeteners, colors, and flavors.
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Waiver and Release of Liability
In consideration of the services and/or products offered by Legion Athletics, Inc. (“Legion”) including, but not limited to, nutrition plans, exercise routines and coaching, and in addition to the payment of any fee or charge:
I knowingly and voluntarily enter into this waiver and release of liability and hereby waive any and all rights, claims or causes of action of any kind whatsoever arising out of my use of Legion’s services and/or products, and I hereby release and hold harmless Legion and its consultants, officers, contractors, agents, owners and employees from any and all responsibility, liability, cost and expenses, including for injuries, damages or disorders (physical, metabolic, or otherwise), resulting from my use of Legion’s services and/or products.
I understand that fitness activities including, but not limited to, strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular exercise, with or without the use of equipment, are potentially hazardous activities that involve a risk of injury and even death, and I am voluntarily participating in these activities and using equipment and machinery with knowledge of the risks involved. I hereby agree to assume and accept any and all risks of injury or death related to said fitness activities.
I understand Legion’s services and products are not meant to treat or manage any health conditions or circumstances, and I acknowledge that Legion has recommended I obtain a healthcare provider’s approval for my use of Legion’s services and/or products, through regular physical examination(s) and/or consultation. I acknowledge that I have obtained my healthcare provider’s approval or have decided to use Legion’s services and/or products without such approval and hereby assume all responsibility for my use of said services and/or products.
I understand that results from using Legion’s products and/or services are not guaranteed, and I agree to not hold Legion liable for any outcomes or lack thereof.
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Analyzed for purity and potency in a state-of-the-art ISO 17025 accredited lab by Labdoor™, the gold standard of third-party lab testing.
Analyzed for purity and potency in a state-of-the-art ISO 17025 accredited lab, the gold standard of third-party lab testing.
This product doesn’t just “contain natural ingredients”—every ingredient is naturally sourced from plants and animals. This product contains no artificial or synthetic sweeteners or flavors of any kind.
Our scientific review board of nutritionists, dietitians, molecular biologists, doctors, and other accredited experts is responsible for reviewing every article, podcast, and video we produce to ensure they’re evidence based, accurate, trustworthy, and current.
Thanks to their connections, credentials, and academic experience, this team of MDs, PhDs, and other professionals has access to a wealth of research published in the largest and most prestigious journals in the world.
This allows them to not only review individual studies but also analyze the overall weight of the evidence on any and all topics related to diet, exercise, supplementation, and more.
If you feel that any of our content is inaccurate, misleading, out-of-date, or anything less than factual, please let us know in the comments section of the article in question.
Evidence Based
We follow a detailed, rigorous, multi-step process to create content that meets the highest standards of clarity, practicality, and scientific integrity.
First, our research associates provide our editorial team with accurate, up-to-date, proven scientific evidence.
Then, our editorial team uses this research to draft articles and outlines for podcasts and videos.
Finally, our scientific review board reviews the content to ensure all key information and claims are backed by high-quality scientific research and explained simply and precisely.
If you feel that any of our content is inaccurate, misleading, out-of-date, or anything less than factual, please let us know in the comments section of the article in question.
