Well well well, 2021 is here, Bad Orange Man is out, Chairman Xiden is in, and we’re still waiting for this grinding fever dream to end.
Can we leash this global tornado? Learn to ride this chaos like a horse? Maybe. Who can know?
Here’s how we can do our part, though:
Refuse to submit to calls for apathy and hysteria.
View any attempts to make you hopeless and afraid—especially underhanded ones disguised as good-natured guidance—as what they are: emotional assaults on your wellbeing.
Fight back by not only cultivating the opposite mindset through action and optimism but also by regarding such encroachments as repugnant. Protect your mind against these virulent pathogens as you would your body.
Consume less media.
This is the natural follow-up to the first point, of course. There’s a reason much of the media specializes in creating outrage and despair: money. The scandalous and sensational grabs a lot of eyes and ears and maximizes word of mouth, and that makes media companies a lot of money.
A challenge for you, then: Stop watching the news and reading the rags for a couple of weeks, and see what happens. How do you feel? How is your productivity? How are your relationships? How much do you care to go back?
Make your health and fitness a priority.
Many people oppose many opinions these days, but only a wackydoodle would disagree that healthy is better than unwell, strong is better than weak, and functional is better than defective. The science truly is settled here: Eating well and exercising is just good for what ails you.
It doesn’t have to take much, either. With a little of the right things done often enough over the long term, you can achieve outstanding health, fitness, and function.
So, if you’re not on your way to healthy, strong, and functional yet, I’d love to see you start. Need some help? Reply to this email, and let’s chat.
And if you’re already working to make your 2021 body fitter, leaner, and stronger, then you’ll be happy to hear that my merry band of marauders and I will be getting up to quite a few things during these Pandemonious Quarantimes to make your journey more rewarding . . .
“When will you be back in stock of . . . ”
For the last few months, we’ve been running out of some of our most popular flavors and even products.
And for that, an apology is in order.
If you’re staring down empty bottles of your favorite Legion supplements, mea culpa, gentle customer.
What happened, pray tell?
Well, basically, the whole international sports nutrition supply chain got keelhauled by the Cove and is now wobbling around like a concussed squirrel.
And so last year, production lead times doubled, tripled, and even quadrupled, leaving me (and many others) in the proverbial lurch.
Thankfully, however, the industry is on the mend and the cavalry is coming:
- We’ll be back in stock of just about everything by the end of this month, and the rest next month.
- We’re upgrading our inventory and logistics systems with enterprise-level software and staff.
- We’ve placed downright sphincter-shrinking-sized orders with several rock-solid manufacturers.
And so, if it pleases your Grace, I humbly request a measure more of your princely patience while we replenish our meager stores and ready ourselves to revel once again in your generous patronage.
Make Legion Great at Building Back Better Again!
That’s our mission and motto for 2021, and we can’t succeed without the support of psychopathic pedophile plutocrats hard-working humble heroes like you.
So, please prepare to give us all of your money (plus whatever you can borrow) in exchange for several new products that we have in the hopper, including . . .
- An all-new Phoenix formulation that’ll come in two varieties: with and without caffeine.
- A 30-serving Recharge, 15-serving Whey+, and 10-serving Pulse that’ll allow you to switch up your flavors more often.
- More flavors to like, love, and lay your lusty hands on: Blue Raspberry and Grape Recharge and Cocoa Cereal Whey+.
All of these should be out by summer, and then, later this year, we’ll be releasing still more flavors of popular products, single-serving sachets of Pulse and Whey+, all-new protein bars, protein cookies, a prebiotic + probiotic, a hydration (electrolyte) drink, and more.
Huzzah!
How to not suck at business.
If you sell things to people, I have some free advice for you:
Treat them the way you’d like to be treated, even when it costs you something.
Because if you don’t, an email like this is what can happen—one that goes out to over 500,000 people and explains to all of them just how much of a jabroni you are.
You see, a few months ago, my family and I were considering moving to Jackson, Wyoming because, well, it’s Jackson, Wyoming.
We worked with a company called The Clear Creek Group to rent a house for a month to get a foretaste of what it might be like to live in the EqUaLiTy State.
Per usual, the scenery was stunning:
And the house was no slouch, either:
Or so I thought.
Lo and behold, this wasn’t just any $10 million home in the halcyon hills of Teton County (Jackson real estate prices make about as much sense as PB & pickle sandwiches).
It was one teeming with a bunch of nature’s biggest assholes: bugs.
First, there were ugly-little-raisin-looking flies buzzing around, lounging around, and, rather curiously, dying on windowsills, where their grubby corpses would pile up like a medieval charnel house.
Then, there was one of nature’s super-assholes: the Yellowjacket. Also buzzing, lounging, and inexplicably expiring on windowsills.
What’s more, do you know what happens to wasps as winter approaches?
Well, when the heat of summer dissolves into the chill of autumn, their food becomes scarce, they realize they’re living on borrowed time, and they get pissed. And aggressive.
So, I contacted The Clear Creek Group to compliment them on their lovely insectarium, and sadly, there was nothing they could do short of bathing the place in scathing hellfire.
I started vacuuming the little bastards up several times per day, but they just kept coming, and by the end of one week of what was supposed to be a four-week sojourn, my wife and I’d had enough.
It was time to abort.
Now, this is where you’d expect to hear that we left and got our money back, but I wrote this email because that’s not what happened.
Instead, the owner of The Clear (Up Shite) Creek Group—a eunuch named Morgan—tried to hoodwink me into believing that he legally couldn’t offer a full refund because the owners of the house (the bugs, maybe?) were only willing to refund ⅔ of my money.
No, you didn’t misread that.
This plonker claimed that the State of Wyoming forbade his business from writing me a check for the difference between what I paid to stay in the bug hotel and what the owners of it wanted to give back to me.
In the end, I got shortchanged ⅓ of my money, and so here we are. Not because of the money per se (I’ll survive), but because of the principle.
You suck, Morgan.
And now a few hundred thousand people also know that you suck.
This, by the way, is one reason that Legion’s policy is to do whatever it takes to make our customers happy—refunds, reshipments, rewards, you name it.
Not only is it good juju, you just never know who may be on the other end of a transaction.
Beep boop bop.
Mike
P.S. Big ups to last month’s Champion Giveaway winner Craig K., who won a center logo tee, blender bottle, 100 reward points, and two products of his choice (he chose Triumph and Recharge).
How can you win cool stuff, too? Easy!
Join our rewards program, unlock the Champion tier, and you’ll be automatically entered to win every month!
