Gosh golly gee willikers, 2020, you’re proving a rather harsh mistress, and nobody seems to know your safe word.

Tamagotchi?

Nickelback?

Antidisestablishmentarianism?

No dice?

*sigh*

Okay so I’m going to be indelicate here:

This f*&%ing sucks.

The Current Situation is yet more evidence of the degradation and injustice of our times, where viciousness and villainy appear victorious at every turn and charity and civility are circling the drain.

And I’ll be honest—I don’t know what the solution is. 

It’s certainly not virtue signaling, though, so I’ll leave that to the hordes of hectoring hypocrites who gladly posture on social media about Important Issues™ but give precisely none of their time or money to the causes they publicly champion.

(Spoiler alert: they don’t actually care.)

What I do know, however, is Martin Luther King Jr. was correct when he said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

And so I reject all forms of hate, bigotry, and inequity, and I strive to understand and uplift my fellows despite all reasons and invitations to do otherwise.

Ultimately, we’re all in this cauldron together and subjected to its cruel pressures, and I believe the greatest lesson we can learn is to love.

Anyhow, sermons aside, how about a quick hosedown of some crass commercialism?

*loads the potato guns with Nickelodeon slime*

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Want to see our sexy new bottles?

In my last meandering missive, I revealed the new look of Legion, which was a bit of a sphincter-shrinker, because I didn’t know how it would be received.

Much to my delight, however, the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. 

Not everyone liked the different direction, of course, but even they were quick to let me know that so long as the formulations remain top-shelf, they couldn’t care less how the packaging looks.

Many people asked to see how the bottles will look, and so, by the powers of compooter grahpickz, I give you . . .

Legion Whey+

Recharge new

pulse new

phoenix new

Love? Hate? Roller skates? Hit reply and let me know!

Want a healthier gut?

Didjaknow that what happens to your food as it goes from hole A to B has a profound effect on your health and wellbeing?

And that Hippocrates, the ancient Greek physician and “Father of Modern Medicine,” once said that all disease starts in the gut?

And that Brussels sprouts are actually tiny demon cabbages conjured by an occult sorceress named Lady Andromeda on the cursed blood moon of 1133?

Okay I made that last one up. The first two, though, real news.

This is one of the many reasons it’s so important to live a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise, lots of nutritious food, and plenty of restful sleep.

Supplements can help, too, and that’s why we’re working on two products for improving gut health:

Balance, which is a non-bacterial product releasing next month that contains clinically effective doses of berberine, artichoke extract, and digestive enzymes to assist in the digestion of protein and fat.

The primary benefits of this supplement will be:

  1. Less intestinal inflammation, which can aid with GI conditions such as IBD and Crohn’s
  2. Slower intestinal motility to allow more time to process food and absorb nutrients
  3. Enhanced food digestion
  4. Improved insulin sensitivity and blood glucose control

In other words, Balance will help your body better process and absorb the food you eat, and this can enhance your health and well-being in several ways.

Biome, which will be a probiotic product that . . . is still in the works. 

Unfortunately, the strains we want most are patented and hard to buy, but we’ll get there. More on this soon.

Want to shop now and pay later?

Do you even Sezzle, bro?

No, not sizzle. Or schnozzle. Or zazzle.

SEZZLE.

As in our nifty new service that allows you to buy our wares now and pay later, in four equal and interest-free installments over six weeks (and with no impact to your credit).

There’s no catch, so, uh, yeah, that’s it, really—you shop in our store, choose Sezzle at checkout, and your order is shipped and you pay over time.

And the last bit of good tidings?

Let’s throw some knuckles to last month’s Champion Giveaway winner Dillon S., who won two bottles of Pulse, a t-shirt, blender bottle, and 100 reward points!

How can you win cool stuff, too? Easy! 

Join our rewards program, unlock the Champion tier, and you’ll be automatically entered to win every month!

Well, I think that’s enough chinwagging for now.

Stay safe friends.

Mike

Thanks again for all of your support, and if you’re half as excited for everything we have in store as I am, share this article on Facebook, Twitter, or wherever your favorite online hangout is!

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